Lately I've grown sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's trite, but true.
So I began thinking about what I could do to better my situation. It all lies in my hands. The anger and resentment that builds inside is a direct result of the actions of others...but only because I allow it to be so. By allowing the actions of others to dictate my happiness I have given the direction of my life over to a cadre of inadvertent evildoers.
When I was a much younger man I had some pretty clear principles and beliefs that guided my life. As I grew older, these guidelines became more complicated and less defined. I have tried to remain principled and focused on upon doing right but injustice seems to creep from all directions.
I am now going to "decomplicate" my life by admitting the problem doesn't lie outside myself, but rather internally, in my concern for what's righteous.
I'm going to take care of this issue once and for all by using the 12 steps of the Alcohol Anonymous program to stop giving a shit about others.
I've never been much for goal setting. I've always taken things as they come and reacted accordingly. But now I'm setting a 5 year plan and in 5 years I plan to be free from the shackles of empathy, concern, compassion, and interest.
Step 1:We admitted we were powerless over our addiction--that our lives became unmanageable.
As I ponder step one, I realize that my life is currently unmanageable. Every second of my day as a public high school teacher is filled with requests of others. The American Teenager is a demanding creature hell-bent on self-satisfaction. I'm outnumbered about 120 to 1. And each and every one of them wants a little piece of me. My concern for their success is my addiction. My concern for doing my job well has made my life unmanageable. I am powerless over this. I shouldn't care that only 1 of my 21 4th period honors students completed the assigned rough draft of an essay. I did care. I ranted and raved over this. I yelled, I cursed, I let my blood pressure soar. Why is this my concern? It's not. It's their responsibility. I taught the lessons and assigned the work and was willing to grade and assess. But I am powerless over my concern. I want them all to succeed. I think of the recent merit pay law passed here in Florida and grow aggrieved as I understand that I have no control over the efforts these students put into their work. And if they don't work, they won't achieve. And if they don't achieve, I don't get paid and can lose my job. I am powerless over these feelings and it makes the mental real estate within my head unlivable.
But not for much longer. With these 12 steps I won't give a fuck anymore.
I've been an active union member, representative, and board member for the tenure of my career. Like my students, my colleagues come to me with gripes, greivances, and concerns. Many times they are trivial but I do what I can to alleviate the fears and anger of my union brothers and sisters. We are in this together. What is good for them is good for me and what is good for me is good for them. So their concern is my concern.
I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable.
These days the political forces on the far right have gained strong financial backing from some very powerful industrialists in the Koch Brothers. The business world is at odds with the working world. Fox News issues daily assaults against working people and the moronic masses eat up every word, devouring it as gospel. Somehow, public school teachers have become boogeymen doing everything they can to waste taxpayer money and hurt children. My fights as a union steward are for the good of all...students, teachers, society. An educated society is a strong socitey. Again, my concern has made my life unmanageable. It is an addiction.
I wake at night with thoughts running through my head about how to organize, improve membership, represent teachers, and I have become powerless over this.
Through the 12 steps, I will stop caring. In 5 years, I will no long be actively involved in my union. I will serve out the current term of my elected position as a board director but as I realize that I am powerless over my addiction I will decrease my participation and begin looking for my replacement. It is someone else's time to care.
Very little work gets done effectively when I work with others. I always hold up my end of the bargain but am often disappointed by the lack of devotion or attention to detail of my colleagues, whether it be at my worksite or within my union. Recently, something as simple as getting association leave for a union conference has become a clusterfuck simply because others are incapable of being effective. My concern is my weakness. I immediately want to rectify the situation and fight for the rights of my breathren. This is my addiction.
My union activities will soon draw to a halt.
I will no longer give a shit about what my students do in my class. I will teach and I will teach well, but I will not allow myself to get dragged down into the murky waters of concern. They only cause me harm.
When I find that a student has been molested by her stepfather, I will show no concern. If she beings to falter, that is her issue.
When I find that a student has a drug addled mother and an absentee father I will show no concern.
When I find that a student has just recently come out as gay and is being chided and scolded by the adults in her life (her pastor, parents, and teachers), I will show no concern. She with either choose to do my classwork or not and will succeed or fail by her efforts alone.
When I find out about a mother's stroke, a father's passing, the death of a friend, a suicidal thought, a raping, a beating, or any other such enabler for my concern I will turn the other cheek.
There will be no shoulder to cry on, no modifications to the classwork, no extensions of deadlines. This is a black and white world and there are no longer any grey areas.
I am powerless over my concern and my life has become unmanageable.
Tonight as I ponder my newfound direction and carelessness I am watching The Yankees in the playoffs. As I root for my team, I realize there is a conundrum. Does rooting for The Yankess constitute care? Becasue I do want these guys to win. I want to see Derek Jeter get that 6th ring. But I think I can get over my care and concern for his ring. Rather, I want to see them win for my own self-interest. They are my team and their winning will give me pleasure. And furthermore, I want to see dumbbody Jose Valverde in defeat. My pleasure will come from his displeasure.
So, already, one day into this grand experiement to make myself the center of my universe I am already making progress and it leads me to see hope... a glimmer...a light... a White Russian shimmering in a pint glass. There are role models out there (besides the current constituency of the Republican party). I'm talking about The Dude from the Big Lebowski or Lester Burnam from American Beauty. These are guys who have figured it all out....that nothing really matters except self and care is a burdensome addiction. I can see the future now...bathrobe, White Russian in hand, and a cool fucking carpet to tie the whole room together.
